{"id":4235,"date":"2020-03-28T16:13:21","date_gmt":"2020-03-28T14:13:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/ergastirio.eu\/?p=4235"},"modified":"2020-03-28T16:13:21","modified_gmt":"2020-03-28T14:13:21","slug":"can-your-relationship-survive-the-togetherness-of-a-pandemic","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ergastirio.eu\/en\/2020\/03\/28\/can-your-relationship-survive-the-togetherness-of-a-pandemic\/","title":{"rendered":"Can Your Relationship Survive the Togetherness of a Pandemic?"},"content":{"rendered":"

H<\/span>ave you recently noticed how loud your partner chews? That her placement of items in the fridge is illogical? That his consumption of toilet paper\/soap\/the good snacks is remarkably high? That parenting is not one of his or her core strengths? If so, you might be married during a pandemic.<\/p>\n

As the coronavirus<\/a> is obliging us to spend the vast majority of our hours in the same surroundings<\/a> with the same human adult, we have to figure out new ways of working, living, parenting and just getting along with each other. The good news is that couples now have plenty of opportunities and together time to hash out those issues that they may have been avoiding. The bad news is that they now more or less have<\/i> to hash out those issues that they may have been avoiding\u2014and under pressure-cooker conditions.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnxiety<\/a> is rampant and people are potentially taking some of that anxiety out on each other,\u201d says Julie Schwartz Gottman, who cofounded the marital-counseling behemoth Gottman Institute<\/a> and wrote several bestselling books with her husband John. \u201cSo the relationships that are perhaps a bit unsteady, uncomfortable, perhaps have some tension and don\u2019t have ways of dealing with stress together, can spiral downwards.\u201d<\/p>\n

In fact, after COVID-19 cases began to subside in China and people were able to go out again, there was a reported surge<\/a> in divorce filings. Even now, domestic violence appears to be on the rise<\/a> And on March 18, family lawyer and British MP Baroness Fiona Shackleton warned<\/a> Parliament that families could begin to disintegrate during the crisis.<\/p>\n

The stresses of having children away from school<\/a>\u2014but not from school responsibilities \u2014and the financial tension<\/a> caused by households suddenly losing some of their income can push couples over the brink. Added to all that is the fear of members of the family falling ill, disagreements about what constitutes social isolation<\/a> and uncertainty about how long this strange new routine will last. As one word nerd put it, you can\u2019t spell divorce without c-o-v-i-d.<\/p>\n

Even couples who were perfectly fine before the coronavirus and might be perfectly fine after it could probably use some help over the next few months. How do you survive these unprecedented circumstances? TIME talked with three pairs of marriage therapists who are also married to each other <\/i>and thus work and live side by side about staying together when you\u2019re never apart.<\/p>\n

Here are 11 top tips from the experts:<\/p>\n

Cool it with the criticism.<\/b> Now is not the time to be pointing out mistakes. The time to be pointing out mistakes is almost never, but mid-crisis is egregious. Especially when it comes to money, says Ashley Willis, a marriage and family coach who hosts the \u201cNaked Marriage\u201d podcast<\/a> with her husband Dave. \u201cIt\u2019s so easy to point fingers and say, \u2018I told you you shouldn\u2019t have taken that job.\u2019\u201d Instead, now is the time for appreciation. \u201cIt\u2019s really important for people to look for what partners are doing right and to express appreciation for it,\u201d says Julie Gottman, adding that some of it can be subtle. \u201cThank them for making coffee, even if it\u2019s for the 500th time.\u201d Helen LaKelly Hunt, who with her husband Harville Hendrix created the Imago<\/a> method of marriage therapy and wrote Getting the Love You Want<\/a><\/em> recommends telling your spouse three things you appreciated about them that day before you go to sleep at night. Even if you can\u2019t manage that, listing their failings is just poor boudoir strategy. \u201cIf you want to be close, you can\u2019t be critical,\u201d says Harville.<\/p>\n

Keep up to date with our daily coronavirus newsletter by clicking<\/i> here<\/i><\/a>.<\/i><\/strong><\/p>\n

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Be more curious than furious.<\/b> With all the new responsibilities brought on by the coronavirus, it may feel like your spouse is not doing enough or has committed an act of personal treason, but it\u2019s more likely that they\u2019re just distracted, hungry or have motivations that are invisible to you. \u201cHigh stress always brings out people\u2019s relational coping skills, or lack of them,\u201d says Helen. \u201cStress also triggers memories from the past, and we tend to respond to the present as we did in the past.\u201d In any case, just asking your partner a question and actually listening to the answer before pulling the ripcord on an argument can have a positive effect, by giving us a moment to pause and engage our more sophisticated cognitive functions. \u201cTalking is the most dangerous thing people do, especially when they are stressed,\u201d says Harville, \u201cand listening is the most infrequent thing people do, especially when they are stressed.\u201d<\/p>\n

Let them feel bad\u2014or O.K.\u2014about the current crisis.<\/b> Spouses aren\u2019t necessarily going to see eye to eye about how bad things are going to get. That doesn\u2019t mean they\u2019re wrong. When you disagree with your partner\u2019s approach to the pandemic, do your best to figure out what it is he or she is really thinking about instead of dismissing it. \u201cThey are going through the virus information in a different way,\u201d says Julie Gottman. \u201cHave some empathy, which means do your best to guess and name what emotion you hear your partner is expressing.\u201d The Gottmans, and many other therapists, endorse active listening\u2014that is, hearing what a person says and trying to say it back in your own words. \u201cIf you can\u2019t figure it out, just say, \u2018You sound really upset or you sound stressed,\u2019\u201d says Julie. \u201cThose cover everything.\u201d The Hunt-Hendrixes call these \u201csafe conversations.\u201d Says Helen, \u201cThey must be two way.\u201d<\/p>\n

Buy some time, or trade for it.<\/b> If possible, build some time alone into the schedule even if it\u2019s only for half an hour a day. This may require bartering with your spouse for some time away from the kids or chores for each of you. \u201cIt\u2019s hard to have solitude,\u201d says Ashley Willis. \u201cI have to be my own advocate. I need some time.\u201d Try to find a way to be apart for some of the day, if it\u2019s at all feasible. And no, escaping into screens side by side doesn\u2019t count. You need to not be able to see each other or hear each other.<\/p>\n

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Do what your ancestors did.<\/strong> Intimacy, as the Willises politely call it, is also key. Too much togetherness and stress can have an unsexy effect on partners who live together, but getting it on can also be a stress-reliever as well as a nice break from Netflix. \u201cYou still need intimacy,\u201d says Dave Willis. \u201cIf the pioneers figured it out and they were in one room, so can you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Plan out your days, but not too tightly.<\/b> John Gottman has a history of asthma and pneumonia so he\u2019s not leaving the couple\u2019s home on Orcas Island, in Washington, until the coronavirus threat subsides. Julie does all the shopping. They recommend making a calendar on Sunday mornings and marking it with all the points where each spouse has no flexibility and building from there. Ashley and Dave Willis have four sons between the ages of 5 and 15, who are currently home from school in Texas. \u201cThe homeschooling hit people hard,\u201d Ashley says. \u201cIt adds a whole new level of intensity.\u201d She was a teacher, so she\u2019s in charge of education, but she calls on Dave to pick up things he wasn\u2019t doing before. \u201cIt\u2019s triage mode,\u201d says Dave. \u201cWhat jobs need my attention at the moment? We\u2019re all doing jobs we don\u2019t normally do.\u201d Any older kids can be given more responsibility; even the quite young will rise to the challenge.<\/p>\n

Make an appointment for your fights.<\/b> If a seemingly insignificant spat is suddenly getting out of hand, the Gottmans recommend postponing it for at least half an hour but not for longer than 24 hours. \u201cOne person calls a time-out and says a time when they will come back and continue the conversation,\u201d says Julie. They then get out of each other\u2019s way and do something that calms them\u2014\u201canything that brings down the sense they are being attacked, which we call flooding.\u201d At the appointed time they continue the discussion. Under the Gottmans\u2019 \u201cconflict blueprint,\u201d as they call it, spouses can work on a resolution only after they can state each other\u2019s point of view to the satisfaction of the other person. \u201cNinety-five percent of it is about understanding your partners\u2019 point of view,\u201d says John. The Gottmans plan to make some of their exercises available as an app soon.<\/p>\n

Take your arguments elsewhere. <\/b>Your kids don\u2019t want to see you fight. The Willises go for a drive or a walk, sometimes giving their kids a list of things to photograph to keep them occupied. \u201cOur best conversations are when we\u2019re walking,\u201d says Ashley. \u201cSometimes on a walk people will open up more because they\u2019re side by side.\u201d The Gottmans used to sit on the floor in the bathroom where their daughter couldn\u2019t hear their arguments.<\/p>\n

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Respect the now invisible boundaries.<\/b> Even though he or she might not look busy, your partner is not just an empty whiteboard waiting for your thoughts and needs. \u201cThe way I like to put it is, when I want to talk to Helen, I open the door to her movie theater, where she\u2019s watching her movie, and I\u2019m going to run my movie on her screen,\u201d says Harville. \u201cIt\u2019s an intrusion.\u201d He suggests asking first if it\u2019s a good time. \u201cShe can say, \u2018Well, actually it\u2019s not a good time right now, but I could in 10 minutes.\u2019 So she establishes a workable boundary.\u201d When you\u2019re around each other all day, not intruding on each other\u2019s time and thoughts becomes even more important.<\/p>\n

Ask for what you want, really. <\/b>Your partner is probably a wonderful person but almost definitely garbage at mind-reading. You need to explain your needs, and you need to be specific. \u201cI would love it if you could plan dinner every second night\u201d is vastly preferable to \u201cYou have to help around the house more,\u201d for many reasons, just as \u201cCould you rub the left side of my back?\u201d is superior to \u201cCould you make me feel better?\u201d Helen notes this is much easier said than done. \u201cWe\u2019ve worked with so many couples, and when you ask them what it is they want, they don\u2019t know,\u201d she says. \u201cMen don\u2019t know what they want; they\u2019re raised to suppress their feelings. And women are so used to caring for everybody else, they don\u2019t know what they want either. But if you don\u2019t ask for what you want, you\u2019re not going to get it.\u201d So much is going on, and the situation is changing so rapidly that nobody is going to notice everything that every person needs or desires. So ask. Nicely.<\/p>\n

Have you recently noticed how loud your partner chews? That her placement of items […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":4233,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[162,163,155],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/ergastirio.eu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4235\/"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/ergastirio.eu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/ergastirio.eu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post\/"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ergastirio.eu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3\/"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ergastirio.eu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments\/?post=4235"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/ergastirio.eu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4235\/revisions\/"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4236,"href":"https:\/\/ergastirio.eu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4235\/revisions\/4236\/"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ergastirio.eu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4233\/"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/ergastirio.eu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/?parent=4235"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ergastirio.eu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories\/?post=4235"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ergastirio.eu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags\/?post=4235"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}

If all else fails, try comedy<\/b>. Being able<\/a> to laugh<\/a> at the situation<\/a> or yourself<\/a> (not your spouse<\/a>) is a big<\/a> stress reliever<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"